heyhey. got my results back today. not good. not good at all. i remember feeling so stupid this morning. how did i do so badly? am i so dumb that i can't even pass my exams? i wouldn't mind if i just passed by one mark. thats enough. but i didn't. or rather i couldn't. i dont know. and just like that, another part of me died.

i was dissapointed in myself, but most of all i was feeling scared. how do i tell my mother? do i tell her today, or do i not. on the long and lonely bus ride home i sat there thinking, making this post up in my head. more like talking to myself but yeah you get it right? so i was sitting there trying to think about what to do. i can't go home and face her. i can't tell her. guilt was slowly shooting through my veins. my whole body felt funny. and i kept frowning. if i told her, the same thing would happen. everytime i tell her my marks she'd have the same reaction. so i was scared! not that shes really fierce or anything. i just couldn't tell her. her reaction usually came in 4 stages.

1st stage: shock

the moment after i tell her my unbelievably horrifying marks she'd go into a mental state of shock. and start pelting out "What!? how could you do so badly?" or "Are you crazy!? Michelle this is unacceptable! what are you going to do!?" and i'd just stand there and stare at her not saying a word. or explaining why i did so badly. like i didn't have time to complete the paper which is true btw. i didn't have enough time to finish it. and she'd still be frustrated and creep into the 2nd stage.

2nd stage: anger

then she'll go "Michelle! whats wrong with you!?" and start listing every possible reason why i could've done so badly. even if its completely outrages. "You're watching too much television. the moment you get home its either tv or the computer. Michelle you can't live like this. You have to do something. This is very serious." well its mostly like that for my case. its like whenever i do something wrong its always tv that got me into trouble. ok, from there she goes into stage 3.

3rd stage: questioning

now she'll go "So what are you going to do now?", "How do you improve yourself?" or " What are you going to do about it?" and i'd have to break from my silence and answer her. if i say
a) i don't know, she'd kill me in a second. "What do you mean you don't know!?"
b) i'm going to study harder, she'd ask me "What do you mean study harder?"
c) i'll stop watching tv and i'll study harder i promise i really will i know i'm doing badly and i don't want to do badly, she'll go "Not just stop watching tv. you'll do work everyday when you come back from school and at night. you can't slack anymore. Its your streaming year Michelle. Please, have some sense ok?"

and i'd nod but she'd still be angry but not so much because she already let it out during the second stage. and all i can do is nod my head and take it if not she'll be even angrier. then she gets into the 4th stage, the worse one.

4th stage: dissapointment

i can see the look on her face. the tone of her voice. shes dissapointed. its like shes asking "what did i do to have a kid like her? why couldn't she be smart? why can't she work harder at it?" and i dont know! i don't want her to feel that way. even though she doesn't say it. its like shes going "where did i go wrong?" but i can't blame her for thinking that. i mean my marks aren't something to be proud of. so i can only stand there and take it. take whatever she has to say. all her punishments and scoldings. because i deserve it.

i'm not all i can be. i know i' m more than this. but why is it so hard? or maybe i'm in denial trying to tell myself i can be better even though i really can't. whatever it is i'm going to work at it. i won't give up. thisisn't the end, i can still make it if i just try.

ok, goal: Improve in Maths and History
how?
1. Pay attention during class (stop doodling or scribbling during lesson time)
2. Ask the teacher questions when i don't understand instead of just sitting there and annoying Warda and Aieshah to explain to me the problem. thanks btw!
3. Focus during lessons. actually soak up whatever the teacher teaches
4. Revise what i learnt when i get home
5. Cut back on television time
6. Only use the computer when i'm done
7. Work harder, do more assesment books
8. Not copy any work under any costs!
9. Listen to my parents
10. Believe in myself.

wow this is looking alot like my sketchbook. heeXD. but yeah, this is it. i have to tell my mum. i haven't told her yet and its 7. i can do this. i'll take what ever she dishes out. i'll improve! i can do it! its no the end till its the end! okok nvm. but i know i can do this. so help me and keep me on the right track. i can do this.

i'm not stupid, i just ran out of fuel. now i'm pumped up and its full steam ahead! XD

and thank you all you guys who cheered me up. you're the best :)

Michelle went "Hey macadamia" :)

hello hello. ok, i'll talk about ytd first. so ytd, i had drama and after that Lorraine, Fiona and myself went to Parkway for a while and the bus ride was really funny but embarrassing. like most things are XD. and today, wow, today was a bad day. but i wont really go into that. i found out i failed two tests! which isnt good. and so first i want to say thankyou to everyone who cheered me up and everything. i realised i never cried over a test before during secondary school. but now i did. and it was like i was being stepped on. over and over and over again. but nevermind. i'm kinda hard to figure out. hee:).

oh and after school i saw Cheryl from primary school. and i was kind of wierd again. so i want to say sorry! i'm like that sometimes. if you read this, tell your friends i'm sorry too ok? for like the whole me being "over enthu" and really wierd thing. so yep. sorry!

well so after that Elc's mum brought Julie and myself home and i think i made a bad impression. the girl who talked too much. make it into a movie and it'd be the story of my life. oh and before that i folded my socks. which i havent done in a really really long time. and so i delayed them a bit because when we were going into school, mdm lee was there so i pulled them up again. so sorry to Elc for delaying you. i'll never fold my socks again.

when i got home, i realised i forgot to bring home my specs. so i'm typing away and this is probably really bad for my eyes. and my dad going to kill me because i didnt bring home my maths book either. today i was just off. i dont know. i'm just off.

okok, so now for a little more interesting part. when i got home Sit came up to me and asked me looking straight into my eyes.

Siti: am i a bad influence?
Me: (shocked) ofcourse not! (she thought me so many things in life shes like my sister)
Siti: (bursts out laughing) you know what happened today?
Me: what?
Siti: i was hanging up the clothes, when the neighbour called me over. so i said "yes?" very politely. (she's very polite) and i thought she was going to give me something (because we're kinda like when we bake something, give it to the neighbours, if we make jelly, give it to the neighbours that type of thing) and she said " Stay away from my maid!" (she shouted this part)
Me: (shocked even more) why?
Siti: i don't know! so i asked her "what did i do?" (because she wanted to know) and shes like " i don't want to talk to you! i'll talk to your employer." and she left.
Me: really?! (with that expression on my face)
Siti: yah i know. and when she left i went "You're such a..." (well, you know. i was pretty shocked to hear this myself. Siti! my role model! but ok, i'll continue.)
Me: did you say it infront of her? like in front of her face?
Siti: i said the "You're such a.." quite loudly but not infront of her. and the back part i muttered to myself.
Me: (shocked) *pause* but you didn't do anything right? when was the last time you talked to her.
Siti: when i gave her the cheesecake.
Me: you gave them the cheesecake?
Siti: yes. and i don't talk to her very often. she's like 20 something so what ever she does, its her own decision. i can't influence her.
Me: then why did she say that?
Siti: i don't know! i wanted to tell your mother to let me handle this. i'll talk to her. i'll ask her what i did and let her specifically(sp?) tell me waht i did wrong.
Me: but you'll do it politely.
Siti: ofcourse i'll do it politely! ( she was irritated i could tell. or the way you know a girl is after someone has irritated her? yeah like that.)
Me: has she talked to mum yet?
Siti: no.. you know last time when you mum asked me to paint the ceiling outside? ( the porches ceiling)
Me: no but go on.
Siti: because i had to scrape the old paint off so the flecks dropped and because of the wind, some went onto her car. but i covered it with news paper so it didnt go over anymore. then i went to paint the fence. and i used wood paint and wood paint is permernant. and then she complained to your dad that when i painted the paint got onto her car and she wanted me to wash it. and wood paint is permernant, so if the paint got onto the car, i wouldnt be able to wash it off! she would have to repaint her car so shouldnt she ask for a compensation instead? and besides her car is behind the wall! how could the paint have gotten there? (its hard to explain this part but if you've been to my hosue before you'd get it) turns out, it was the paint flecks. and it wasnt on purpose it was the wind. and her maid said that she would clear it up and she already did. so i don't know whats her problem.
Me: wow. which was scolded you? the old lady or the housewife? (her mother stays with them sometimes)
Siti: the housewife. and she likes to call the police. like that time when Aunty Cynthia (a family friend) parked in front of her house, she called the police.
Me: (laughs) so we're living next to 2 neighbours who dont like us.
Siti: yah. and i actually helped her out. her maid wanted to run away a few months into the job but i talked to her and asked her to stay for a few months. and when her contract was up she asked me if she should renew it. i said that she should do what she wants, but why not stay for a few more months? and she did. so i helped her. (she's still angry you can tell) anyway, i'm not going to lose sleep over this. she can talk to mum all she wants. i would very much like to find out what i did anyway.

she just came in and told me something else. she said that one day, a man jumped into her back yard. no idea why. so she told my father that Siti's boyfriend jumped into the yard. and when she left she was going "oh my god.." and shaking her head and laughing. i don't thinks hes quite over it yet. hahaXD.

oh hey! boulevard of broken dreams. nice song:). but yeah so thats what happened. shes not really angry now i think. more like "i can't believe she said that" thing. but well, it was interesting. and the relationship with our other neighbour used to be quite good. until my birthday party actually. when they threw soap at us. and then they had a party and caused the whole fence to fall down. so now theres a wall between us. both methophorically(sp?) and physically. i don't really talk to them so i dont know what to say about them. but i think they're ok. i used to be quite close to the girl who's brother fell the fence. but we havent talked since then.

not exactly Hysteria lane issit? hee. so that was today. i'd better go do my lit now.

hmm, i wonder what the neighbours will have to say about this. :)

Michelle went "Hey macadamia" :)

hello, happy valentines day! and happy friendship day as well. ok, let me sum up today with a few words. chocolates, test tube, sweet potato, mortal, fire drill, smushed fly, dying rose, muffled words, hunger. maybe i should make a haiku. okok, nermind XD.

so february 14th. i went to school and totally forgot it was valentines day or friendship day. it was also the start of the angel mortal game out class is playing. being the forgetful person that i am i didnt get my mortal anything. and iw ant to give her something but i have no idea what to give her. but i got some chocolates form my class mates. thanks guys! elc gave us this test tube that had bath flakes in them so thats where the test tube part came in. it was really cute. thanks elc! and then our school decided that it would be interesting if we lived like the people did during war times so they gave us rationing cards for sweet potato and tapioca. then about a 1/4 through maths there was a fire drill and we all had to go to the field and assemble there. while we were t here there was a fly on my pinafore, so i tried to used a piece of dried grass to flick it away but i smushed it and.. well you know. Fiona gave us roses. very nice! thanks Fiona. and so well, mine was dying. like most things of mine. so i tried to use tissue paper wrapped aroud its stem to save it. which reminded me of science class. but okok, lets not get side tracked. so when i tried to hold it, it would keep falling. and then my science book fell and the tissue fell and i realised that i am super clumsy. so while trying to push my hair behind my ear (i'm having a bad hair day), buckling my belt ( i took the one that didnt buckle well) cause i lost my hair clip during p.e, and handling my book bind, my flower kept dropping and i thought that maybe it wasnt supposed to be with me. i gave it Lubna, i think she'll have better luck with it, hee:). so then Reika (thank you Reika) gave me a dynamite sweet which was very nice. so i ate it and its not a chewable sweet so i was sucking it and you couldnt hear what i was saying because the rubberbands didnt allow me to push the sweet to the side so i sounded like i had a rock in my mouth. which was probably the case right? hahaXD. so now i'm back home and starving. although i've eaten the chocolates and sweets which is very bad for me. and not because they're fattening ok? they're just bad. so i'm not worried about fat. and now i'm waiting for Sit to finish cooking. and there was the history test today! which i think i failed. i couldnt finish the last qustion and the first one was really tough. so yep, that was my day.

the most eventful day of the year so far. i think theres just something about me and february 14th that dont click. like me and transportation! but i guess today isn't really that bad. not a " the worst day of my life" essay situation. just a case of bad luck.

okok, hope you guys have a great valentines day or friendship day!! and i hope that you'll be luckier than me XD

Michelle went "Hey macadamia" :)

heyhey. ok first of all happy chinese new year! sorry i'm stil hyper from today. well today after school (and taking loads of pictures) Lynette and myself went to shps. there i met Shayus and we said hello to the teachers. i saw, Mrs khor, Mr soong and Miss Zahira. shes married but i don't know her new surname. and then we walked around school then Lynette had to leave. so Shayus and i hung out at the class room block a bit before we met Dyane. and i went clicking away again.

Dyane wanted to see the teachers, so we went there again and halfway i lost them so i was walking aimlessly around school like the loser that i am staring into my handphone. but finally i saw them and we stayed in school to wait for Cheryl. when she came, she was outside the side gate, which was locked. so we climbed over. and then we met Charmaine Chuang, and we went to Tm.

we had lunch at Genki sushi. i had the Unajyu which was the eel and rice. after that, we were deciding whether or not to watch a movie. cause Cheryl wanted to watch one and so Eunice and i followed. we went to Century square and bought the tickets to "i do i do" even though we missed about 15 minutes of it. the story line was when Sharon Aw, she used to be this pretty shy girl, she meets Allan Wu, her perfect man and she wants to Marry him. and Adrian Pang is in love with Sharon Aw. so he's trying to win her over by learning English. and this Caucasian lady teachers them and likes Adrian, but he rejects her because hes still in love with Sharon. Allan Wu gets chased after by loan sharks for being his friends garuantor (sp?) and Sharon Aw gives her all her money to help him. so Adrian has 2 friends, ones a bit sissy and the others really funny. he ends up with Sharons friend. they work in a hair salon and hear about this story of a guy who cheated this aunty out of her money with the exact same story. and she shows them the picture of who he is, and he's Allan. they tell Sharon but she doesn't believe them, but after a while when he ignores her she tries to kill herself. and Adrian tries to save her by scaling down to her flat by a rope. and he imitates A-du. the last part is when they're singing to each other and thats when they break into the kiss. and it actually turns out that it was all a scam to get the both of them together. the aunty is really Allans mother and the loansharks are his brothers. and the sissy guy is his brother too. and Mark Lee turned out to be very interlectual who taught english and drama ( i think). and he recited this whole part, " Like shakespeare said, all the worlds the stage, the man and women merely players." haha, it was a good show.

after that Eunice and i went home and i snacked on Liqins pineapple balls. they were really good. and we walked back. lamenting on how much we missed Sarah. hee:). and so we just talked and everything and then we went back to my house. she had the usual ribena and we watched tv then played the computer. we talked to Sarah too. i asked my dad whether i could call her and he freaked out a bit. when i was on the phone ytd he would keep asking me whether i was talking to Sarah. heh. and his birthday is today. hes now, 53 years old. and my brothers turning 20 on the 26th. and Sits turning 28 or the 23rd. this month is full of brithdays.

we're not really celebrating chinese new year this year. we're not having the reunion dinner. i don't usually go visiting because aprat from my cousins which i meet for the dinner, we have no other family in Singapore. so i never went new years shopping and all that. but i guess its ok. we're still having a dinner tonight. Popiah and laksa. not very traditional, but it'll do :).

and i'll upload the pics as quick as i can. i dont really know how to upload them.

enjoy the new year holiday!

Michelle went "Hey macadamia" :)

hello hello. today we got scolded by Mrs Lopez for our skit. saying that it wasn't what she wanted the sec ones to be seeing and all that. after hearing it, it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. i thought it'd be harsher, or fiercer. but i guess its because i got a whiff of it yesterday so i was prepared.

on the short ride that i took home from tanah merah i realised some things. i know how to make myself a better person. okok, maybe not better, but to regain the confidence i once had. yep, there was a time when i wasnt like this. i didn't go through life with my head touching the floor. i had the one thing i always had when it came to drama, confidence. maybe thats why i like drama so much.or it could be genes ( my dad was a stage manager back in his old school. he did this play where he was a hippie. haha XD) so now that i know, i have to do it. i don't want to go through life who i am right now. i was burnt before. and i was so afraid of it happening again that i lost it. i can be whoever i want to be when i'm not face to face with someone. but i am everything else when i am. i used to not know what to do. i would get paranoid at the slightest thing. my world revolved around people. some people i didn't even know. thats why i needed help. and i got the help i needed :). i used to think why say something when you can say nothing at all? or if the moment passed why bring it up again even if i wanted to talk? my brain was like an eraser everything i wanted to say was blocked out. and it worked overtime as a scanner after that. i would think about peoples reactions, what they said, how they looked, did they look pleased or angry. and then the info would hit my central nervous system and i'd start having an overflow of paranoid thoughts. i used to blame everything on puberty. but thats not it. the problem all this while has been me.

i thought that if everyone was happy i would be happy. but thats not true at all. i mean of course i'm happy when my friends or other people are happy. but i'm happy for them, i'm not happy for me. and looking back on how i used to be i hate myself. i never stopped to think "what happened to me?". the brief 15 minutes gave a whole nother light to life. it opened the door that was locked. it gave me the answer to all my questions. i know what to do but it isn't that easy. i can't jsut do it. but i'll try. believe me i will try. i just hope that it'll work. i want to say bye bye to the old Michelle and hello to the new one. i want to do a full circle and i want to go " its ok if you don't like me" and nothing more. i've read so many stories about independent women and i want to be one too. i've got great friends who've shown me the light. and i hope they'll be with me the whole way through. even if its unknowingly. i've learnt something today. and this lesson is more important than anything else i learnt in school. or in my entire existance of 13 years and 7 months. i know i'm wierd XD. so i say, " if you don't like wierd people, then don't like me!" but i'm not asking people to hate me. you guys won't do that right? haha:).

i can do it i can do it i can do it!! goodbye to Michelle the cowardly cow!

thank you Julia, for giving me the reality check i've needed for a long long time.

Michelle went "Hey macadamia " :)

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