In the immortal words of Aisha,


I'm depressed.




I had my DSA auditions for St. Andrews after school today.

Which is like, where? Potong pasir? Hah?

Anyway, i took a cab down there after school. Turns out i was too kiasu because i got there super early. But the cab ride was fun though! My taxi driver kept talking and asking questions about DSA and talking about JC boys and about smart people. My favourite was when he talked about Spellcast.

Him: Wah you know i watch that spelling show. The people are all primary or secondary?
Me: Primary! Thats why they're like geniuses!
Him: Wah they very smart ah.. All the words all very long and then look the same. The choices all look the same. Cannot be colour blind.

In my head i was like "Huh? What colour blind?" but to him i was like "YAH!"

Isn't that comforting?

He ended up dropping me opposite the school. I took some time to walk along the reserviour and calm myself down. It was strange you know. All the confidence that i had yesterday suddenly decided to dissappear 40 minutes before the audition. Like. Of all times. Whats their problem?!?!

But i had plan!

After using the toilet at some random Dentists because i was too paiseh to use SA's. I said to myself. "Michelle. It is time."

You see i have this thing where i rationalise with myself when i'm in a tricky situation. And in this case my rationalisation was that, come on Michelle. This is an audition. It doesn't matter if you don't feel confident. As long as you give the judge that impression. So duh. Just act confident! Get it over with! Then eat Calbee Hot and Spicy!

So i walked into SA like the world owed me a living and asked a senior how to get to LT3. I got there just as the Drama teacher was opening the theatre. I knocked and she asked me to come in. She wasn't like what i expected at all.

From her phone call (reminding me to make an appointment) i had envisioned her like our seniors' SYF coach. You know like. Pulled back air, t shirt, yells a lot.

She was well, a little less intimidating than that. Looks wise at least.

Little did i know how wrong i was when we fell into a casual interview. Which comprised of me being honest and downright BS-ing at certain junctures. Guess which ones are which!!


Her: So. Why do you want to come to SA?
Me: I hate to sound like a cliche but my friend who goes here really enjoys it-
Her: So you're only coming here because your friend comes here?
Me: Oh no! Its because you see i went through this phase, like you know the i-don't-know-which-JC-to-go-to phase, and my friend (i saw this opportunity to name drop), do you know Hui Jia Lun?
Her: Is she J1?
Me: Yes.
Her: I don't teach J1s.
Me: She said she really enjoys it.


Her: I'm looking at your results.. and i'm a little concerned.
Me: In my defence, my school added up the term 1 and term 2 scores. In term 1 i got a 27 and term 2 i got a 21. So i really capable of much more.
Her: What do you see yourself getting for O levels?
Me: Well i talked to my vice principal about it, because we have one arts one and one academics, so i talked to the academics one. She said that with my T score i should be able to cut it down by half. (as if i talked to Mrs Chia i asked her to sign my SA application because i was late and she asked me what my PSLE score was and i told her and she said that i should halve it so ok quite true)
Her: Yes but i see a lot of students floundering and taking courses that they shouldn't take. Do you think you're suited for SA? Are you good in your academics?
Me: Er..
Her: Boiling down to it the main priority of JC is academics. You have to take A levels. I won't hesistate to kick you out of drama if you were to get in to focus on your studies. It would be a flick off my skin.
Me: Oh of course not!


Her: Next year is an SYF year. Besides that we also put up an annual play that might be different from the SYF. Do you think you'll be able to study and cope with that?
Me: For drama, i make time!


Her: You do realise that if you get into Drama i will have your life?
Me: Yes.


Her: What subjects do you want to take?
Me: (shoot) I was thinking Chemistry.. because i'm not good in bio..
Her: Ok so thats your contrasting subject. What else?
Me: Er i won't take Biology because i'm not too good at it..
Her: So you're more of an Arts student?
Me: Yes. I'm more of an Arts student.
Her: What else?
Me: Maybe Maths..
Her: You do know you don't have to take Maths right?
Me: (shoot) Huh?
Her: Maths is not a compulsory subject in JC you just have to pass it at your O levels.
Me: Oh.. er.. i was thinking Literature too..
Her: At what level? H1, H2, H3? At a higher level?
Me: You know i haven't really thought much about what subjects i'm going to take. I'm kind of like, trying to get through O levels first hahaha.
Her: You should be thinking about it.


Of course. I was still acting confident. So much so i almost convinced myself that i was confident. Even though it pretty much sucked the whole way through.

And thats only the first half.

Being Singaporean, i had prepared a monologue yesterday which i ended up not using because she gave me one. It was really easy to read actually. About shoes. I was lucky because i was the first girl and had the most time to practice it down to a pat.
Well. At least read it.

I was outside the room as she interviewed other girls. Oddly enough, i suddenly morphed into something sort of a social butterfly. I started asking everyone which school they were from and what their names was. It was like wow. Not bad ah.

When it came to my turn to read for her, my heart started palpitating. This wasn't good. Before i knew it, the nerves frazzled me as she led me to where i was to perform. The door slamned shut. I said hi.

"Start whenever you're comfortable." she said.

Naturally, i smiled at her, and began.

But the words didn't come out right. I fumbled over sentences.. i didn't articulate.. i was downright terrible. And i know you shouldn't ever ask if you could restart but i had no choice. At that moment there was no way i was letting myself die like that.

She said yes and to relax. I laughed sheepishly and tried again.

I think i did it better, less nervous, but i still messed up. I could hear my own voice in the room and was thinking "What are you doing Michelle?! What are you doing???!" It was dissapointing. It was really disspointing.

Before i left the room, she asked if i wanted to ask any questions. So of course i said yes and sat next to her. From the impression that she gave me, i don't think she's mean. It was more of a make sure thing. To make sure i'm cut out for this school. And that i don't hate it there.

Anyway she thanked me for being on time. Which is probably the only one up i have on anything. IN YOUR FACE.

But no ok the girls i met were quite nice! I talked a bit to a KC girl before i got up to leave and said bye to the PL girls. I walked along the length of the corridoor infront of the lecture theatre, and said bye and good luck to an IJ girl i saw practicing. I spotted a staircase out of the corner of my eye but ignored it because it wasn't the one i took up.

I continued walking along the adjacent corridoor and wallowing in self pity. Then as i turned the corner again i saw another IJ girl and wished her good luck! At that point of time i pretty much wasn't sure where to go. I asked her if she knew the way out and she pointed behind her and said she went in that direction.

So i happily skipped along my merry way in that direction when out of the blue, 2 PLMGS girls were infront of me!!

My exact words were, "Eh??"

As i ventured further into this corridoor, i realised it was the exact same one that i started with.
I walked in some rectangle. I almost cursed!

But i didn't. I merely walked past them the second time blabbering about my situation, but then i realised how weird it was and apologised for the "too much information".

I passed the IJ girl again and she was like "Didn't you just walk past?"

This time i could only smile and say "Yeah.."



Please pray for me.

Michelle went "Hey macadamia" :)

There are some things in life you just don't question.

For example, my mothers recent "Lets improve Michelle!" phase.

I was sitting at the dining table trying to read through my biology textbook - as i have been doing this past two weeks. In a desperate attempt to refresh my memory so that i can properlly do work. Desperate i tell you! DESPERATE. I don't even know why i choose to study in the dining hall. It has the yellowest lighting i've ever seen in my life. Which is why i don't use sunglasses you see. Because i'm so used to the yellow tint its like permanently there.

And people say i'm not economical. Oh please.

Anyway, my mother walks past and says to me, like the most out of the blue thing in the world. "Michelle i think its time you got contacts."

I was like "Wow, mum!" to myself.

But of course, to her, i simply nodded.



Heres another scenario. I was being hip and cool in my room, lounging and gossiping with all my imaginary friends when once again, my mother walks into the room. We talk abit before she takes one look around the perimeter of my room and goes,

"Michelle i think we need to do something about your room."

I was flabbergasted! My room is the most hideous thing in the world, i'm not kidding. The cupboards are light green because that was a popular colour for Chinese cabinets back in the day, the walls are a pink and cream that do not go, the curtains are tattered and yellow with floral prints, i have a TV staring at me while i sleep that cannot be turned on, my bedside table is a shoe rack (that hosts actual shoes) and -

Actually i can live with it.

But hey! If she wants to do something about it, go right ahead! Green light green light!

Although i'm certain its because my room wasn't to her (or anybodies) taste, i'd rather leave it as one of those "life's unanswered mysteries" things. I mean, sureeeee.. i could ask her whats with the sudden desires to improve my surroundings, but wouldn't it just be so much more fun to leave it an open ended question that will forever haunt me in my dreams?!

Hey, don't blame me. When your life is void of drama you create it. All i'm saying.



Now. For the freakiest of them all. My Maths tuition teacher. I smsed her asking how we find the shortest distance from a point to a line because i always forget, always. And she tells me by the area of triangle blahblah.. and then. The shocker.

"If you don't finish my homework, i won't scold you."

I was like OK STOP RIGHT THERE CLONE.

WHO THE HECK ARE YOU. AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY REAL MISS CHOO?!?

But before i was about to unleash my wrath on this evil mutant being, i stopped myself.

Hm.

If i just backed away.. and thought about this for a second. Obviously, this is Miss Choo. She was all annoyed at me forgetting the shortest perpendicular distance thing (again). So she must be my maths tutor. But i couldn't fanthom why she would say such a thing. It seemed so unlike her. I should probably ask her why.

Hm.

I really should shouldn't i?

Oh look a cloud!

Wow i am not a good person.

Anyway, i replied that i would try to finish my word regardless (which i did except for the graphs hehe) but thanks anyway. And she said that she'll see me during tuition. I said the same back.



Strange isn't it?

I think its safe to say the week was getting curiouser and curiouser.

And i have no intention of asking why at all.



Michelle went "Hey macadamia" :)

BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.

Michelle went "Hey macadamia" :)

It seems to be used so much in English compositions.

"She stood rooted to the ground, her hands and legs trembling in fear."



In many aspects of my life, i find i'm really shallow.

Not having anything to do with looks, i dare say i am not a shallow person in that area. But more to do with experiences, problems, issues.

I never had a lot of problems. I don't have a lot of problems. And whenever someone is going through something my heart will ache for them and i try to help. But ultimately thats what it boils down to doesn't it. Its their problem.

When i compare myself to what some people have gone through, i almost feel unworthy of labelling anything that i'm facing anything extensive. I address it more as an issue to be dealt with. In reality there are so many more things far more important than what i think about sometimes. I can't even bring myself to say "things that i go through". Because to an extent some of my experiences are so shallow. Shallow in the sense that i've barely skidded across the puddle. And there are those with situations a thousands oceans deep. So many times i catch myself and ask, "You call that a problem?"

Thats stage 1. I could have stopped there but nooooo. My stubborn head will go on to say,

"How is that a problem?"

And right now thats exactly what i keep asking myself.

How is that a problem?



If this were an English composition i bet you everyone would die in the end. Either by pushing an old lady out of the way from a coming car, suicide from jumping off a building, or simply being killed by guilt of reading your best friends diary.

But this time its different. This time i know it matters and really matters.

And when it does, you get ridiculous cold feet.

Have you ever stood rooted to the ground, hands and legs trembling in fear?

I wonder now. If my life were an English composition. How would i end?

Michelle went "Hey macadamia" :)

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