Its been 2 years, and i've finally decided to blog in this place again.

Now, on December 31st 2010 before i head into my 20th year of life - i am no doubt feeling slightly emo.

Emo not because of i'm "reflecting" over the past year and how things have changed.

Emo more because, of how my profile to the right says "16", and now, "19", nothing has changed.

No no, of course i've changed. I grew for one! I've become more opinionated. More interested in make up. More interested in korean dramas (if possible).

But at the same time how things haven't changed. My relationship status. My mole. My jokes. My wonderful friends.

Sitting down at starbucks with my secondary school girls yesterday spiralled into a heart to heart session. Sharing our thoughts on our parents, our pasts, our present, and our futures. Is it wrong to have dreams? Are we idealists? If following your dream is impractical, then practical people must lead pretty sad lives.

As the new year approaches. I realise how much i don't want to grow old. Not in a (totally) vain sense. More like, i don't want to settle into a dull adult like routine.

Not saying my life now isn't dull, or routine like. That hasn't changed either.

But i don't know. I want to have fun. I want to find that thing, that when i do, makes me feel free happy. I believe it exists. I know its irritating to read emo posts (though heck, i'm probably the only one reading it). But then again i have to stop this habit of always justifying my actions.

Do you do this? Where you feel you need to provide a reason for feeling or acting a certain way? I always feel like i have to justify why i'm feeling moody.

Why are you sad?
I feel like i'm not a fun person.

Something like that. Do i really think its because i'm not a fun person? Well, i know its around that area, but i can't pin point the cause of my emotions so specifically all the time. If anything, thats one of the reasons but not the entire one. If anything, the next reason probably would be "time of the month".

Looking at my profile, i'm thinking of just leaving it at 16 to mess with myself.

My lack of posting over the last 3 years was mainly due to my lack of ability to express myself over the internet. Like, fully, totally. I felt like whatever i was doing, by posting it online, would be like exposing myself to the world. It was never that i just "wasn't into blogging", i definitely still talked to myself in my head, it was just that somewhere along the line i became self concious. No, self aware.

I was aware that
1. people might chance upon my blog and read my innermost thoughts
2. people might judge me - some one they have never met or seen - over my innermost thoughts
3. people around me might be affected by reading my innermost thoughts, and i might get in trouble for them

Wait hold up you're totally thinking this is something serious right now. Like omg what has this girl done. Something illegal? Something dangerous? Stop right there.

I was just talking about school and having teachers read my blog. Awoooooooooooooooooh let down. Thats right guys, no juicy shit here.

Coming to the end of 2010, like the same melancholic end of my previous post at the end of 2008, i feel no need to take this as ending a chapter in my life. I want my life, to be continuous. Page to page.

But.. i think i'm still going to leave my age as 16 just for the heck of it. Because i'm aware that at 19 going on 20, my dreams are the same as when i was 16. Whether i admit it or not. Whether others respect it or not. This life i've lived where i've been so comfortable - maybe its time to switch things up a little. Be more of the person i want to be, and not that i am.

The only question is, how do i find this.. discomfort, that i'm searching for.

Michelle went "Hey macadamia" and no, this is not a signature. I type it everytime :)

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